It's Okay... 5/9/2013

It's Okay...

... to order pizza rather than cooking

... to think 19 days is a long time

... to check your phone when you have a free minute (instagram)

... to think about your future as if you were pregnant

... to pick off your own shellac

... to be an enrichment teacher and be pumped when a class is on a field trip

... to think snapchat is amazing and to send unattractive photos of yourself to friends

... to analyze your dreams

... to think Friday night t.v. is awesome (Dateline, Shark Tank, 20/20)

... that for the first time in months (9) I have had coffee almost every morning this week

... to already be excited about the next school year

... to secretly be dreading my would be due date May 22, 2013

... to recognize infertility has changed me and to miss the old me

It's Okay...

Linking up with Amber today.

It's okay...

..that I don't have much to blog about lately

... that I wake up every morning thinking "I can't wait to go back to bed tonight!"

... to be obsessed excited about a television show (criminal minds)

... to ease up on your diet and splurge

... that my doctor said to ease up on the caffeine and now I think I've had at least one coke per day since then.

... to consider giving up Facebook.

... to be really excited to do nothing this summer.

... to think that 23 days left of the school year is a lot.

... to love discussing baby names with the hubs (no, we're not pregnant!)

* I put this gif in because it makes me laugh*

Taking Time

   Life is beginning to get a bit busy for me and I won't be on blogger that much. I need to take a step back and give myself some time. My blogger feed is flooded daily with pregnancy announcements, baby updates, and right now I would just rather not put myself through that. You can still contact me through email, I am sure this won't be a long break, just a temporary leave. Until then, God bless.

Hey, It's Ok!

It's been a long time since I did a It's Ok post, so here you go!

It's Okay...

to be frustrated with my lack of progress in the gym (grrr)

to be so freaking ready for the end of school

that I had an actual coke yesterday...and Monday

to give yourself a break

to wish I could spend every single day with my nieces

to be a bit behind on my BSF homework

that next weekend is Blake's sisters wedding

to ask for prayers

to hear of a co-workers blessing and be envious

to be greedy about your weekends

letter to my future self, as a mom

 

   Here are the things I hope to never take for granted once I become a mom.

 

• I will never complain about the fact that I am getting stretch marks or that my body is changing, instead I will thank God for the miracle growing healthy inside of me.
• I won't be upset at the lack of sleep, I'd rather rejoice and thank Him for the little sleep that I do get.
• I won't get angry or upset when my child needs something and interupts me, I'll be thankful for the fact that I have a child who needs me.
• I want to be thankful to get sick while pregnant, thankful that I am in fact pregnant.
• I hope to keep an open heart when other mothers give me advice.

   I want to remember what it felt like to try month after month, and then year after year with no positive pregnancy test. I want to cherish the fact that I am a mother. I want to have empathy for those who are still struggling and share in their joy when they do get the good news the Lord has coming to them. I don't want to forget how long our journey was and who we owe this blessing to.

  This is something I hope will come true, and I will remind myself to reread this when that time comes.

 

TTC

 
  
   This post is going to be about questions that are never answered in regards to trying to conceive. It's definitely probably  in my mind that the world is out to get me. Every other day someone I know is announcing their pregnancy on facebook, instagram, or through a picture text. Celebrities and people in the media are always getting knocked up, coworkers, acquaintances, pregnancy is flipping everywhere! Was I blind to this before I started wanting a baby? Yes, probably. I can admit that I was aggravated to death when a certain celebrity whose family has a show on the E! network confirmed her pregnancy. Did I feel bad for myself, maybe a little; but I felt genuine hurt for her sister who has publicly addressed her own infertility. Sometimes I believe, based on my actions I'm sure, that people are hesitant to tell me about a pregnancy. I don't want that misconception, I am happy for the blessings of others, truly. I don't particularly like that our journey to conceive has been such a long and difficult one, but I do know that He is teaching us a lesson, helping us to be better people and He has great plans for us. My faith alone has made this journey bearable.
   I hear people say, "Oh, we are trying, too." and my immediate thought is, "Really, what are ya'll doing?" "Are they temping, using OPK's, trying the sperm meets egg method?". I mean, my mind races with questions. It's ridiculous. My younger sister Caroline thinks I am insane and that my constant obsession is preventing me from getting pregnant. But I can't not think about it. How do you not think about it? No, it doesn't consume my every waking thought, that is not what I am saying, I don't need to be committed yet. Ha ha. There are certain moments in my life where I can't not think about it. Plain and simple. Yesterday I had a cycle day 21 progestrone check (most of you are thinking cycle day, what the heck) and upon returning home I found a package that my sister Claire sent me. It's a book titled Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I obviously began reading it right away. It has graphic pictures and a cd, it's awesome. We have a goal in mind and until then I will have questions, doubts, even fears, but the greatest thing we both have is our hope.
  Wow, it feels good to put my random, graphic, tmi questions and thoughts out into the universe. In God's time I will be pregnant.



Dear Santa...

                   

   It's the most wonderful time of the year, as many would say. For some reason this year I completely agree. I know I have mentioned before that I am the biggest fan of Halloween, (trust me I still am), but for whatever reason Christmas just feels different this year. Different in a good way. Many of my students have begun asking me what I want for Christmas and it's hard to not blurt out what I truly hope and pray for...a baby. So, instead I smile and say things like "Cold weather", "A snow day", "Candles", and usually I get a giggle or two out of them. This is probably the first year where Santa can not give me what I want, only God can. I believe what has helped make this season a good one is my faith in Him, I trust Him completely and know that he will give me the desires of my heart. I believe that. I've been spending my first fifteen minutes each morning focusing only on Him, whether it's pray, scripture, or a devotional my mind is on Him. My days are much better because of this. I want to encourage anyone reading this to try and do the same each morning. Cast all of your worries to the Lord, and pray about everything. Christ is the reason for the season, it's NOT about wants, and presents. As a society we definitely get caught up in the commercialization of Christmas. Please don't get me wrong and think I don't give gifts because of course I do, I am just suggesting we all remember why we are here and who gave us this wonderful life.

Giving it to God

   Babies. Children. Munchkins. Little Ones. Kids (not a fan of that word). However you say it, I can't stop thinking about them. Other peoples children, and of course my own, you know, the ones I don't even have yet? Well, it's driving me insane. My instagram feed was full of other peoples adorable little ones, their sweet faces, their cozy nurseries, and images of how they spend their days. After not being able to fall asleep whatsoever on Sunday night mainly because I was perusing through other peoples photos I realized that I was fixating on something that I have no control over; God has control. How could I forget? Why am I worrying myself, my time, my energy on something that God has already planned? I then spent the next few minutes un-following those strangers and their children. Next I began thinking about all of the wasted time I spend on Pinterest pinning things for a pregnancy that isn't there. I've decided to put the focus back on my health. Remember when I was picked for a CrossFit challenge? I had to dropout because of the pregnancy, but now I don't have that excuse. It's time for me to start taking care of myself again! I hope that I can once again become distracted in maintaining me, myself, and I.

The List: 8/28/2012

   Yesterday was the first day of school, hip-hip-hooray! Only 177 more instructional days to go. On Sunday night I had my CrossFit meeting. To say it was intense is an understatement. I focused on the words 'throw-up' pretty much the entire time. When asked at the end if anyone had any questions I had to resist raising my untoned arm to ask where exactly do you throw-up? Seriously, I need to know because I will be doing that (throwing-up) a lot. I have seen videos of gyms that do not have A/C but never experienced what one truly feels like and I didn't even work out but once I got home Blake said "Wow, they made ya'll workout tonight?!", my response, "No, they don't believe in A/C and it was hot as hell". Am I more excited for CrossFit? No. All I can think about is throwing-up and push ups. Tonight we have our first class that will teach us the movements and CrossFit techniques. Holy roman canolli pray for me. I will not give up, I haven't even started yet. I must remain positive.

   I do belive that having the first week of school and CrossFit begin at the same time has coherently thrown my body for a loop. I was so exhausted yesterday that I couldn't sleep and all I prayed for and thought about was falling asleep. I flipping slept all summer, why am I so tired?

   Ok, here are my list items for this week:



His Timing: 7/16/2012

   I don't know where to begin with this post. I have been going through a trial, one that God is testing me with. I feel like I am growing stronger in my faith and realizing what I want more and more. Without going into too much detail I am surprised by Him and the direction he has taken my life. I am sure many of you can say that you didn't imagine yourself as you are you at whatever age or place you are in your life. For me this has been the struggle. I never thought I would be my age and almost angry at God. How selfish of me!? It's not up to me, I'm on His time, He has a plan for my life and I must trust His path for me. Each morning I repeat this scripture to myself as I thank God for another day and plea with him for what my heart desires.

Jeremiah 29:11

   I can't believe it's taken my ALL summer to write a post. It's a testament to how unfocused I have been and slacking off on things that make me happy. I hope to continue to write out my feelings and thoughts through my  blog as  well as my journal. For me it's therapeutic and cleansing. A lot of time has spent reading 50 Shades of Grey, The Girl Who Played with Fire, and The Bible. I recommend all three to you! I've also spent time being a new mommy to our latest addition: Birdie Bell, she is a teacup morkie (Maltese mommy + Yorkie daddy = morkie)

    My new goal is to count my blessings and be grateful for the wonderful things I do have in my life and not to waste my energy on the things I don't have. I trust in Him and know that my ultimate dream of being called Mom will happen. If you are struggling with something I hope God wraps his love around you and comforts you. Remember that hardships are trials from God to make us stronger.

Explanation: Why I've been MIA



There it is. Plain and simple. We began a journey that we could not have imagined would take up so much of our time, energy, and emotions. Without giving too much away I can say that we are still on this journey, we will not give up, and we pray for His timing and patience. No, I am not pregnant but I hope to be. When we officially decided we were ready we naively thought it would take a matter of days or weeks to make it happen. Boy oh boy were we in for a rude awakening! The moon, stars, and sun literally have to align to make a baby! We can't wait for our perfect alignment to happen but in the meantime I have given up looking at a certain website for lent. Rather than focus all of my time, energy, and hope on something that hasn't even happened yet I want to get back to blogging.

10 day YOU challenge: day seven-wants

i have enjoyed participating in this activity so far.

here are my seven wants, in no particular order...

1) nikon d7000 16.2mp

2) corduroy hue wide wale leggings

3) steve madden whisstle shoes in the multi color

4) MAC girl about town lipstick

5) this gorgeous louis vuitton bag to add to my collection

6) faux fur vest

7) a baby

10 day YOU challenge: day 1-10 secrets

i am excited to do this for the next ten days.
here are my ten secrets, in no particular order.

1) i hate talking to strangers on the phone, like ordering pizza/food/anything
2) i really want a baby
3) my house is a total mess
4) i have a maid that comes weekly (shame on me i know, but i need the help)
5) i am perfectly happy spending the day in bed and do it quite often.
6) people i work with are CONSTANTLY asking me if i am pregnant, and they are women asking me...girl code people! i am just extra pudgy right now. it's embarrassing so i tell no one.
7) i wear fake eyelashes pretty much everyday.
8) i get annoyed when people complain on their facebook statuses, just because you have an opinion about something doesn't mean we all want to hear about it.
9) i love to doodle and imagine that my handwriting is the bomb.com.
10) i wear leggings as pants!

hey, it's ok!

link-up

me-oh-my, a pizza pie! i cannot believe it's already thursday.

eek. my classroom is NOT ready for meet the teacher night tonight. that's ok...right?

it's ok that i still cannot fit into my clothes

it's ok that my hair is dirty & looks similar to this outrageous style:



it's ok that my bulletin board isn't finished:

it's ok that i took an lunch hour to do this:

oh, happy day!