Worth the Wait/Weight

   I need to be honest. I've been thinking about writing about the great wait weight for awhile and today is the day to let it all out. I've gained fifty pounds, yes that is correct fifty pounds. While looking at this picture of Jessica Simpson, I read the caption below it out loud, "She let herself go." That statement really triggered something inside of me. Weight gain isn't all about letting yourself go. I certainly do not think I let myself go, I never stopped caring about my appearance. It didn't happen overnight, it was a steady climb that I barely noticed. About a year into our marriage a first grade teacher I work with asked "what's happening?" while pointing to my stomach. RUDE! I politely told her, "nothing.". Oh, but she was persistent, week after week she would say "is something going on?", or "you're pregnant?", looking back now I should have taken that as a sign to up the cardio, instead I thought she was rude, and as a woman I couldn't believe she kept pestering me about it. Then it was Christmas of 2011 and Blake and I would be traveling to Dallas for the holiday only I had nothing to wear, nothing fit me. That's basically when I began shunning away from pictures, I don't think I was ashamed of the weight as much as I am now. I still did nothing about it, for years! God has been testing us with this great wait for a child, and in the meantime I have turned our wait into weight. I can't pinpoint a moment where all this weight accumulated, but I also can't ignore it. Finally, after my nieces baptisms I was looking at pictures; someone caught me in a photo, and let me tell you that was not what I saw in the mirror, not even close. I knew I had gained too much weight, but I really didn't realize what I looked like until that photo was staring at me.
  I've always been the girl who loves having her picture taken. It's so weird to look through my camera and see shots of only my face, or just my legs, and never a full body shot, not in two years! I don't want to ignore it anymore, I want to be photographed. I want to be healthy and thin again.
  In December Blake got us new gym memberships, and I knew I was out of shape, I know this journey isn't going to be the easiest one, but at least I am not ignoring it anymore. I've never had this problem, and it's so shameful. Anytime I see someone who knows skinny me, I freak out, I want to explain the weight gain, I want to hide, I want to cry, I want to disappear. I hate thinking that people are judging me when they see me but it's part of what goes on in my mind every.single.day. I can't lose weight like I used to, I'm older, my body has been neglected and it doesn't work like it used to. I'm not the same person, I'm fat Catherine. My goal is to lose all of it by August 2013. I'm only down thirteen pounds as of today. Putting this out there, into the world, is a step forward in the right direction, and it feels really good to be honest.

The List: 8/28/2012

   Yesterday was the first day of school, hip-hip-hooray! Only 177 more instructional days to go. On Sunday night I had my CrossFit meeting. To say it was intense is an understatement. I focused on the words 'throw-up' pretty much the entire time. When asked at the end if anyone had any questions I had to resist raising my untoned arm to ask where exactly do you throw-up? Seriously, I need to know because I will be doing that (throwing-up) a lot. I have seen videos of gyms that do not have A/C but never experienced what one truly feels like and I didn't even work out but once I got home Blake said "Wow, they made ya'll workout tonight?!", my response, "No, they don't believe in A/C and it was hot as hell". Am I more excited for CrossFit? No. All I can think about is throwing-up and push ups. Tonight we have our first class that will teach us the movements and CrossFit techniques. Holy roman canolli pray for me. I will not give up, I haven't even started yet. I must remain positive.

   I do belive that having the first week of school and CrossFit begin at the same time has coherently thrown my body for a loop. I was so exhausted yesterday that I couldn't sleep and all I prayed for and thought about was falling asleep. I flipping slept all summer, why am I so tired?

   Ok, here are my list items for this week:



What I'm Loving Wednesday & Oh, How Pinteresting: 10/26/2011

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(one) My wedding day.

(two) Halloween movies

(three) Kate Hudson & baby Bing

(four) -returning to work less than a week after her breast cancer surgery.

(five) A pregnant Jessica Simpson

(six) Steve Madden Pammy shoe size 8 please

(seven) My gorgeous sister, Caroline, who is my real-life Carrie Bradshaw.

(eight) My three month old niece, Riley!

(nine) Tory Burch wedge!

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This is Halloween...

So proud of my Jack Skellington pumpkin and of course Blake created a Saw 'Em Off pumpkin.

Last week I posted this lampshade from Target. Well they were sold out and to my surprise I found one very similar at Wal-Mart & it was more than half the Target price!

From Wal-Mart

In five days I will celebrate one year of being married to my best friend. It hasn't always been easy but it's so very worth it. I finally feel like we are getting things right and we definitely cannot be apart from one another. I love knowing I get to go to sleep next to him and even wake up to him. We make a great pair. Enjoy each other today.

"Love...keeps going to the end." 1Co 13:4-7 TM

fill in the blank friday: 9/23/2011

happy first day of autumn!

today marks the end of summer and the beginning of pumpkins, scarves, crisp cool weather, hot chocolate, darker evenings, and shorter days.

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1. the best thing i did all week was: clean sheets.

2. halloween time  makes me super happy.

3. pets are children disguised in fur.

4. my husband & family  is the best thing about my life.

5. with the cooler weather i am looking forward to: evenings spent on OUR front porch.

6. something that's on my wish list right now is: a nikon SLR camera.

7. this weekend i am going to be: spent cozyied up with my husband.

   i am feeling blessed and relaxed today. i haven't felt so calm and free in such a long time. it's nice. i want to document the fact that i feel like i am being the best version of me. i saw my shadow yesterday and actually thought, "you are thin and beautiful.". it was comforting to have that emotion and contentment at that moment. i genuinely think things are going well.

 



what i'm loving wednesday: 8/17/2011

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another wednesday and another opportunity to express what i am currently loving.

try skipping!

many of you know i am an educator which means i have the summers off. i decided to focus on two goals: my fitness and becoming a more domestic housewife. i have learned that i only like to do 'chores' when i feel like it; not necessarily when the house needs it. one of the duties i must try is grocery shopping. i hate grocery shopping. so after i finished ironing, dusting, and plotting my list i went to the store.

i decided to be happy. i skipped. just like these two happy people are doing. it didn't hurt, its so simple and easy and it without fail made me feel good. an elderly man noticed me and said, "you sure are happy today", i smiled, skipped a bit more and replied "i sure am!"

happiness:6/8/2011

i have happily been working out each day this week. yesterday i was on the walking trail, old number nine, in boerne with my daddy. we found an old victorian house that is being renovated... curious, we walked up to the house to find a potential dream home for blake and me. (fingers crossed)

mentally i am feeling a lot better, getting back into the gym and being active with loved ones is making this girl happy.

here are some photos of other things that make me happy...

i love that my husband was at my college graduation

i adore this tattoo

our wedding day: 10/30/2010

my gorgeous sisters, minus the oldest, elizabeth



my brilliant, patient, incredible parents



choosing to be happy

today i am filled with happiness, or rather choosing to be. as the end of the school year winds down i have several tasks that must be checked off of my list before i can bask in the glory of the summer sun. normally i would panic and attack everything at once and wind up crying on the floor amongst my mess. no, not today. blake gave me some great advice last night, "stay a little later and check one more thing off of your list".

he is so wise and keeps me on my toes. i love the fact that we know exactly what to say to the other person to make them feel more powerful and motivated. thank you handsome husband.

i encourage you to find your happy place & go there.

tonight i look forward to happiness with my husband and an episode of csi.