Pray More, Worry Less

   So, I've been on a little hiatus and I needed it. I am feeling like I have nothing to write about. Normally I try to keep this as a journal, maybe even a diary, but when I put my feelings and thoughts out "there" people whom I know in real life are able to read about what's going on inside of me, and that is hard at times. I will start by saying that I didn't ever want this blog to be about my infertility, it sort of just happened because I am struggling with infertility and it's on my mind 45% of everyday.

   I took a blogging break to begin in vitro fertilization. We began as soon as my most recent miscarriage ended. When I first took the hiatus I was planning on writing this blog post about the whole process and post pictures of my injection site, the embryos, all of the medications, and then finally a picture of our little baby or babies first ultrasound picture. God had other plans for us. After two failed cycles of IVF we are here, not pregnant.

   My husband and I have learned a lot about our faith, our love for each other, and that God will take care of us. There has been heartache yes, and I have been weak, but with God's grace I have the strength to continue on this journey. Right now after three and a half years of negative pregnancy tests, and of positive pregnancy tests that ended with angels in Heaven, we need a break.

  During IVF I had to take a break from my weight loss goals and wasn't doing anything in the gym, so now I am focusing on my fitness journey, again. Blake has been incredibly supportive and takes a late lunch to go to the gym with me (mainly because I am terrified of lifting weights alone...for now).
I am enjoying this time of rest and nurturing my body through exercise and lots of prayer.



Thoughts

 

   It's quite obvious that I have been in a writer's funk lately, hence the lack of blogging. I do have a lot on my mind but I have nothing to say. Does that even make sense? I will share just a little...

   Many have asked how I doing since the miscarriage and I will be honest and say that I am handling it emotionally better than our last miscarriage. I feel  a since of calm knowing God is in control of what is to come. Throughout the past three years I haven't felt at peace, I was always stressing about what supplements to take, when to test for ovulation, and various other "tricks" for people suffering from infertility. Now I am more accepting of the challenges God has given us, I am more aware that He will not give up on us, it's comforting. I hope to physically heal from this process sooner rather than later as I am ready for the next step, a BIG step. But, I've waited this long so what's another few weeks?

  Being back at school helps the time pass but I sure do miss my summer! This weekend is something I am looking forward to. aTm will play Alabama which is a big deal and Blake would like to begin prepartying at 8 am (not going to happen). I can't wait to hang out hopefully by the pool with my best friend, and then come home to cheer on the aggies. Gig 'em!



It Happened Again

  I have been debating on whether or not I wanted to blog about this. I've decided that it's something I need to share.
   This summer we found out that we were expecting, again. I can't describe the mixed emotions that came with seeing that positive pregnancy test. Fear, excitement, caution, and shock but mostly joy. Those of you who have followed our journey know that the past three years have been quite a struggle. Obviously the joy outweighed the fear, but we were quick to be cautious. Blake and I didn't share the news with anyone for fear that somehow we would jinx it. Appointment after appointment we were in awe and full of grace at the miracle God had given us. Each week that passed we were so thrilled to see our little one growing and getting bigger. Then, three weeks ago at one of our regular weekly appointments we discovered that our little one had stopped growing. We were told I would need to have surgery to remove the baby (D&C). My heart sank and the dreams I had for the pregnancy slowly faded away. After my surgery our doctor sent some of the tissue off to be tested, and we will find out soon the cause of our miscarriage. Blake and I will also have the option of finding out the gender, I have mixed emotions about this. We haven't yet named the baby like we did with Asher, I don't know if I want to this time around.
   I had my surgery two weeks ago, and continue to heal both physically and emotionally each day. It isn't easy but with God's grace and mercy I am getting by. We are humbled by the prayers, texts providing comfort, and for all of the love shown to us. This isn't the end of our journey, it's simply just another bump in the road, and with each bump we grow stronger as a couple and our faith in Him gets deeper.
  



Asher

   On September 7th 2012, our greatest dream came true; we made a baby. Yes, we've been trying for a very long time but with so many negative tests I forgot that one day it would actually be positive! Seeing those two pink lines instantly brought tears of happiness to my eyes. I then had to take a digital to see that word I wanted to be attached to for so long...Pregnant.
   Sadly, I must tell you that last Thursday we lost baby Asher. There are no words to comfort me and you can't truly know what the loss of a child feels like unless you have been in that situation. A person's a person no matter how small and although I am sad,  I am also happy for the time I was pregnant and for the life that was growing inside of me. Asher means fortunate; blessed. 
   There is still a long road of grief we must endure but God has a plan for us and with His blessing it can only get better.

"I fell in love with you while you were forming in my womb. Now I carry you in my heart instead of my arms."