Pray More, Worry Less

   So, I've been on a little hiatus and I needed it. I am feeling like I have nothing to write about. Normally I try to keep this as a journal, maybe even a diary, but when I put my feelings and thoughts out "there" people whom I know in real life are able to read about what's going on inside of me, and that is hard at times. I will start by saying that I didn't ever want this blog to be about my infertility, it sort of just happened because I am struggling with infertility and it's on my mind 45% of everyday.

   I took a blogging break to begin in vitro fertilization. We began as soon as my most recent miscarriage ended. When I first took the hiatus I was planning on writing this blog post about the whole process and post pictures of my injection site, the embryos, all of the medications, and then finally a picture of our little baby or babies first ultrasound picture. God had other plans for us. After two failed cycles of IVF we are here, not pregnant.

   My husband and I have learned a lot about our faith, our love for each other, and that God will take care of us. There has been heartache yes, and I have been weak, but with God's grace I have the strength to continue on this journey. Right now after three and a half years of negative pregnancy tests, and of positive pregnancy tests that ended with angels in Heaven, we need a break.

  During IVF I had to take a break from my weight loss goals and wasn't doing anything in the gym, so now I am focusing on my fitness journey, again. Blake has been incredibly supportive and takes a late lunch to go to the gym with me (mainly because I am terrified of lifting weights alone...for now).
I am enjoying this time of rest and nurturing my body through exercise and lots of prayer.



Reminder

  This is something that I need to remember quite often. I always have hope and the promise of a miracle. God is nothing but good. I wish you a very happy weekend!

Breakdown

Today is just not my day. I can't pinpoint exactly one thing that is not going my way because there are several. Why can't this school year just be over and done with already? Do I have plans for the summer? Yes, plans to do nothing and get myself into shape. Right now, I am struggling. Life is difficult for me and I don't think that there is anyone who can relate to me, therefore I keep most of what I am feeling bottled up inside. I don't even have the guts to write about what it is exactly that is weighing so heavy on my heart. Why, for fear that someone I actually know will read this.

One thing I will share that will come as NO surprise to anyone reading this, is that I am frustrated that I am not pregnant. I can't explain what a failure it feels like. As I am ready to move forward with other options, Blake is not. I often forget that there are two of us going through this because I put the burden on myself. I cry. I research. I go through all of the emotions, for the both of us. Unless you've been there you can't understand.  I feel the most alone that I've ever felt. I don't want to give up, "I just wish someone would tell me, like, this is how the rest of your life should look"--Marnie. But, I realize this isn't going to happen, so I pray. I pray the same thing daily, I keep the faith that one day my prayers will be answered. I truly believe that God has a purpose and a plan for me, far greater than I could imagine. I at least still have some hope.

divine intervention

i am repeating this to myself hourly. since my sisters baby shower i have had a nasty stomach bug and haven't quite yet fully recovered. happening now is our annual field day at school, i am having a field day, in my bed. not. i am feeling miserable.

even though i am missing the fun that is happening at work, i am thankful to god to have the day to rest and hopefully get better.

several good things have come due to the 'time-off' i have received including the following:

1. time to catch up on blogging

2. project ideas for the house

3. mental preparation for the summer

4. realization that my body is not being treated as the temple that god has given me

5. rest

here's to feeling better & being better!