Asher

   On September 7th 2012, our greatest dream came true; we made a baby. Yes, we've been trying for a very long time but with so many negative tests I forgot that one day it would actually be positive! Seeing those two pink lines instantly brought tears of happiness to my eyes. I then had to take a digital to see that word I wanted to be attached to for so long...Pregnant.
   Sadly, I must tell you that last Thursday we lost baby Asher. There are no words to comfort me and you can't truly know what the loss of a child feels like unless you have been in that situation. A person's a person no matter how small and although I am sad,  I am also happy for the time I was pregnant and for the life that was growing inside of me. Asher means fortunate; blessed. 
   There is still a long road of grief we must endure but God has a plan for us and with His blessing it can only get better.

"I fell in love with you while you were forming in my womb. Now I carry you in my heart instead of my arms."

I Never got to say Goodbye

*This post contains language that might be offensive to some*

"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either, in the end, life if stronger than death. Kyle's love will remain flowing throughout my heart. He always knew exactly what to say and do to make my life easier and happier. Never have I loved a man so much and so deeply. I miss him everyday and my heart aches for him. He never stopped laughing in his crazy high pitched voice, he was always bouncing around and there was never a moment when he wasn't showing me affection. Kyle Andrew Silvas is the love of my life and the answer to all my problems, he was my Prince Charming, only not on a white horse but in a black tahoe we called the dump truck. He gave so much of himself to me, now i have memories and photos which i will cherish and one day we'll be together again to live eternally in Heaven, just like God has planned." - These are the words I spoke at Kyle's funeral five years ago.
  
    I remember the day as if it were yesterday. No one can understand the magnitude of emotions felt by losing someone to suicide. It's the worst club to be a part of. I never thought I could be happy again, laugh, live, or even love. Life for me and the ones he left goes on but Kyle gets to be 25 forever, and we all get to miss him for the rest of our days. Today I want to focus on celebrating  Kyle, even if that is a difficult task considering the roller-coaster of emotions this date brings, I know it's important to remember the great times. 

Our first date!

**As mentioned in the previous post you can click on my donate button to help me reach my goal of $1,500 for my walk in Kyle's memory**

Below are some facebook conversations that Kyle and I shared and some are from after he passed:


And yes, I still write on Kyle's facebook wall. His profile picture is no longer there which makes me sad but it's still a way to express myself. Sometimes I send him private messages while other times I am raw with emotions. This post helps me heal and get through the motions. The loss of Kyle is a broken piece of my heart that will never close, it won't heal, and it will be apart of me and my story. God gave me this unimaginable struggle to show me how strong I am. I am blessed because of that. It's important to mention that everyone grieves in different ways, none of which are right or wrong, I am not here to be judged or judge anyone.

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(our song)

What Hurts The Most lyrics

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

*****************

 ·  · July 25, 2007 at 3:59pm ·

Catherine Hogan Dryden

‎********
i am getting married in two weeks! holy moly. i love you & hope you are still watching over me & now blake. i also hope my sweet angel tinkerbell is safe with you. isn't bella bell a cutie too? :)**********

 ·  · October 16, 2010 at 4:08pm

• Kyle Silvas

  Thnx for the unforgettable time last nite... Well maybe I forgot a lil bit but, ur a great girl and I'm glad I got to spend my last nite in TX wth U, I love you!!!

   ·  · June 30, 2007 at 10:07pm · 
  
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  Kyle Silvas

  I miss duchess and tinx!!! Get ready for friday hoho:)

   ·  · June 26, 2007 at 11:01pm · 
  
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  Kyle Silvas

  Ill be there this thurs to celebrate ur late bday and my venture to vegas! Miss u and tinx!!!

  
  

  
  

  • Kyle Silvas

    Merry X-MAS!!!!My family wont stop talkin bout you! they are already talking about next year... if we dont tie the not they may try to adopt you! love u babe... give tinkerton a kiss for me!
    ps... tell the hogan funny farm from my fam to you yours merrry christmas

    December 25, 2006 at 9:27am
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    Kyle Silvas

    I miss my bubby and my tinkerton!!! i may be bck in san marcos sooner then planned... so lets reunite :) tell fodal ill be there and he better do something crazy... see ya soon babe

    December 24, 2006 at 9:14pm
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    Catherine Hogan Dryden

    ‎**********
    i love waking up to Ali screaming bloody-murder while the Fox & the Hound is on tv. it was such a tender holiday celebration with your family. i already mailed my southern hospitality cards b/c i'm so awesome. let's hurry & reunite in san marcos...i know you just LOVE houston =)
    ******************

    
    

    

    Kyle Silvas

    Never a dull moment Hogan!

    February 7, 2006 at 6:16pm
    

    
    

    Kyle Silvas

    I love you more than a fat kid love cake! :) Hogan you're the best

    November 5, 2006 at 1:02pm
    

    Catherine Hogan Dryden

    ‎*********
    just thought about how you would 'run/hop' i love it. i also enjoy remembering all the tender things you would do just to make me happy...not a lot of sauce, put water in the ranch but don't tell me, every thing second, touch the door three times, your side, bad bitch... you are the only person in this entire existence that knows the true me, i gave that to you, i counted on you, i need you now! you are my sanity and now i don't even fucking have that. i miss us. i just want to see you one more time, i can be selfish too. love you bubby.
    ************************

     ·  · September 18, 2007 at 1:35pm · 
    

    Catherine Hogan Dryden

    ‎**********
    still not feeling better. i miss you so much. everyday all i think about is you. the air is getting colder and it reminds me of how we would just sit outside, smoke, talk, laugh, and cuddle. even though the things we did weren't a big deal then, everything is amplified and is a big deal now. i was in the shower earlier thinking about death & dying and realized i have a terminal illness...life. i would do anything to be where you are. i wish you were still here. i love you and can't believe how hard this shit is. with all my heart i love & miss you...
    ************

     ·  · October 5, 2007 at 1:53pm · 
    

    Catherine Hogan Dryden

    ‎*******
    this just fucking sux. your mom got the flowers i ordered for her. who would have ever thought i would order an ornament from heaven? i just want you to know i am angry and upset. thanks a whole lot for not being here. i might sound selfish but i do not care....
    ***************

     ·  · December 24, 2007 at 11:22pm · 
    

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gone to soon: kyle andrew silvas

kyle andrew silvas march 10, 1982-july 23, 2007

this post will be a difficult one for me. you would think that after four years i would be over this, but you never get over losing someone, you make it through; or at least you try.

i cannot sum up kyle's life in a post,  i cannot describe his presence his over joyed personality, his love for my sweet tinkerbell, his honor to his fraternity sigma nu, the way he could make you laugh when you just wanted to cry, or his unselfishness and the fact that without fail he was the life of the party.

the events that occurred four years ago today feel as if it happened just yesterday. sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago, but today it is just as real as it was when it happened. i am not at a place to talk to the world wide web about everything.

i want to honor his memory, his life, and remember him as the man who loved me, cared for me, and did anything to make me happy.

kyle andrew silvas will always remain in my heart and my love for him is still the same. now that my sweet tinkerbell has passed on i know they are together somewhere watching over me. as a result of kyle's passing i believe the tragedy of it has lead me to the place where i am today. i am more compassionate, tolerant, and never hang up the phone without telling whomever i am speaking with that i love them.

i credit kyle to a lot of hurt, pain, and even guilt over what happened but most of all i appreciate the support he has provided through his passing. he has opened doors that i never knew were there. i never wanted what happened to have occurred, you can't even imagine the roller coaster of emotions i have felt and still feel. losing someone NEVER goes away.

i remember you, kyle, and i pray for your sweet mother martha, and your loyal brother jason. i love you and hope you will continue to watch over me and give me strength.

l♥ve is stronger than death even though it can't stop death

 from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from l♥ve. it can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death