Pray More, Worry Less

   So, I've been on a little hiatus and I needed it. I am feeling like I have nothing to write about. Normally I try to keep this as a journal, maybe even a diary, but when I put my feelings and thoughts out "there" people whom I know in real life are able to read about what's going on inside of me, and that is hard at times. I will start by saying that I didn't ever want this blog to be about my infertility, it sort of just happened because I am struggling with infertility and it's on my mind 45% of everyday.

   I took a blogging break to begin in vitro fertilization. We began as soon as my most recent miscarriage ended. When I first took the hiatus I was planning on writing this blog post about the whole process and post pictures of my injection site, the embryos, all of the medications, and then finally a picture of our little baby or babies first ultrasound picture. God had other plans for us. After two failed cycles of IVF we are here, not pregnant.

   My husband and I have learned a lot about our faith, our love for each other, and that God will take care of us. There has been heartache yes, and I have been weak, but with God's grace I have the strength to continue on this journey. Right now after three and a half years of negative pregnancy tests, and of positive pregnancy tests that ended with angels in Heaven, we need a break.

  During IVF I had to take a break from my weight loss goals and wasn't doing anything in the gym, so now I am focusing on my fitness journey, again. Blake has been incredibly supportive and takes a late lunch to go to the gym with me (mainly because I am terrified of lifting weights alone...for now).
I am enjoying this time of rest and nurturing my body through exercise and lots of prayer.



Thoughts

 

   It's quite obvious that I have been in a writer's funk lately, hence the lack of blogging. I do have a lot on my mind but I have nothing to say. Does that even make sense? I will share just a little...

   Many have asked how I doing since the miscarriage and I will be honest and say that I am handling it emotionally better than our last miscarriage. I feel  a since of calm knowing God is in control of what is to come. Throughout the past three years I haven't felt at peace, I was always stressing about what supplements to take, when to test for ovulation, and various other "tricks" for people suffering from infertility. Now I am more accepting of the challenges God has given us, I am more aware that He will not give up on us, it's comforting. I hope to physically heal from this process sooner rather than later as I am ready for the next step, a BIG step. But, I've waited this long so what's another few weeks?

  Being back at school helps the time pass but I sure do miss my summer! This weekend is something I am looking forward to. aTm will play Alabama which is a big deal and Blake would like to begin prepartying at 8 am (not going to happen). I can't wait to hang out hopefully by the pool with my best friend, and then come home to cheer on the aggies. Gig 'em!



It Happened Again

  I have been debating on whether or not I wanted to blog about this. I've decided that it's something I need to share.
   This summer we found out that we were expecting, again. I can't describe the mixed emotions that came with seeing that positive pregnancy test. Fear, excitement, caution, and shock but mostly joy. Those of you who have followed our journey know that the past three years have been quite a struggle. Obviously the joy outweighed the fear, but we were quick to be cautious. Blake and I didn't share the news with anyone for fear that somehow we would jinx it. Appointment after appointment we were in awe and full of grace at the miracle God had given us. Each week that passed we were so thrilled to see our little one growing and getting bigger. Then, three weeks ago at one of our regular weekly appointments we discovered that our little one had stopped growing. We were told I would need to have surgery to remove the baby (D&C). My heart sank and the dreams I had for the pregnancy slowly faded away. After my surgery our doctor sent some of the tissue off to be tested, and we will find out soon the cause of our miscarriage. Blake and I will also have the option of finding out the gender, I have mixed emotions about this. We haven't yet named the baby like we did with Asher, I don't know if I want to this time around.
   I had my surgery two weeks ago, and continue to heal both physically and emotionally each day. It isn't easy but with God's grace and mercy I am getting by. We are humbled by the prayers, texts providing comfort, and for all of the love shown to us. This isn't the end of our journey, it's simply just another bump in the road, and with each bump we grow stronger as a couple and our faith in Him gets deeper.
  



What I'm Loving Wednesday 5/8/2013

Linking up with the lovely Jamie today.

Bow down to SJP. Love it.


Our PTO is awesome! They have catered to us each day with something special. This reminder at the end of a long year is much appreciated.


 
I can't wait to purchase these new puppies! Perfect for summer.

Reminder

  This is something that I need to remember quite often. I always have hope and the promise of a miracle. God is nothing but good. I wish you a very happy weekend!

Breakdown

Today is just not my day. I can't pinpoint exactly one thing that is not going my way because there are several. Why can't this school year just be over and done with already? Do I have plans for the summer? Yes, plans to do nothing and get myself into shape. Right now, I am struggling. Life is difficult for me and I don't think that there is anyone who can relate to me, therefore I keep most of what I am feeling bottled up inside. I don't even have the guts to write about what it is exactly that is weighing so heavy on my heart. Why, for fear that someone I actually know will read this.

One thing I will share that will come as NO surprise to anyone reading this, is that I am frustrated that I am not pregnant. I can't explain what a failure it feels like. As I am ready to move forward with other options, Blake is not. I often forget that there are two of us going through this because I put the burden on myself. I cry. I research. I go through all of the emotions, for the both of us. Unless you've been there you can't understand.  I feel the most alone that I've ever felt. I don't want to give up, "I just wish someone would tell me, like, this is how the rest of your life should look"--Marnie. But, I realize this isn't going to happen, so I pray. I pray the same thing daily, I keep the faith that one day my prayers will be answered. I truly believe that God has a purpose and a plan for me, far greater than I could imagine. I at least still have some hope.

Luke 24:5-6

He has risen indeed! Wishing you a blessed and wonderful Easter Sunday.

When tragedy strikes

   I don't have the words to express how I am feeling as I write this post. A sweet pledge sister of mine unexpectedly lost her four month old daughter Clara on Monday. The Lord needed Clara as her purpose here had been served. There's nothing I can say to Clara's mother to make things better, all I can do is lift her up in prayer. All I want to do is take away her pain, grief, and possible anger at what has happened. I have found comfort knowing our Lord is now cradling sweet Clara in his arms and that she will now have a perfect everlasting life with Him and will one day be joined by both her siblings, and her parents. I imagine there is no pain more far-reaching and deeper than losing a child. Clara will be missed by all who knew her and she will not be forgotten. I found this quote, and sent it to Clara's mommy: "Losing a child is a pain; So high you can't get over it. So low, you can't get under it. So wide you can't get around it. You must get through that door. Keep the faith, sweet friend." I know in my heart that they will be together again in the most glorious place. I ask you, my prayer warriors to lift up Lauren, her husband Perry, Clara's sister Isabella, and her brother Will in this most heartbreaking time.

 You can visit here to leave some encouraging thoughts and condolences.

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; Proverbs 3:5 NIV

I'll Never Be...

 

   This post is inspired by this Carrie Bradshaw quote: "I know I’ll never be the girl with the perfect hair, or be able to wear white without spilling anything on it, but that’s okay.” Someone in the blog world asked the simple question "Why do you blog?", and it got me thinking. Do I wish I were as cool as Carrie Bradshaw? That's a hell yes. But, I didn't ever begin to blog because of her. I am not that eloquent. My posts are sporadic. My passion for writing doesn't run that deep. To be honest I prefer writing poetry but who wants to read a blog about someones poetry? I blog to escape, heal, and record my feelings. Thus, a tailspin went on in my brain and I realized some things that I will never be. First, I will never be the outfit of the day girl, I will never have a spotless or perfect home (and I am one hundred percent ok with that), I will never not worry about my purchases, I will never have it all together, and I will never look like I did in high school. Also, I'll never be the wife who cooks dinner for her husband every night, the decorator who has everything perfectly matching, or the girl who looks perfectly put together at all times. It's taken me nearly thirty years to realize that I am who I am and I'm ok with that. I'm not perfect.
  I will however, always be the girl who puts Christ first, the woman that loves with all of her heart, the giver of her family, and the girl who tries her best to be happy in any given situation. All I can ask for is His mercy and grace in all that I do and am.

  Are you struggling with whom you might never become?

That One Time I was Flexible...

   On Wednesday afternoon my sister Caroline and I decided to take a yoga class after working out. The class started at 4:30 and we both thought it would be thirty minutes of stretching, relaxing, and winding down from our day. Wrong. I must backpedal and tell you that once upon a time this chunk of meat was a slender yoga goddess; that's right, I am no novice. Cut to twelve years later and add 70lbs some weight, and you will find me in the now. I struggled through yoga class. It was a wake up call for me. When I look in the mirror I do see a big person, it's true, but I do not see someone who is obese or incapable of getting back in shape. My body however, believes otherwise. Things that I used to be able to do so well did not come easy, my balance is terrible, I can't even plank for fifteen seconds! This was Miss. Caroline's first class and you couldn't tell. That bendable minx was doing headstands, the splits, and really showing me up! My point is, I am now really aware that my body is nothing like it used to be. I'm a little bit sad but I know that if I just keep working at it I will be back to how I used to and I will feel better. God has definitely taught me patience. So with time and patience the yoga class will get easier.

5 for Five

1. workout at least four times this week.

2. finish the all of the laundry.

3.  be more joyful.

4. reply to the comments left on my blog.

5. eat takeout only once this week.

High Five for Friday!

1. Finally (after almost a 2 year hiatus) I'm back at the gym! Luckily I ran into my brother in law and he helped show me around the gym.

2. I got to FaceTime again with my adorable niece Riley. She definitely lifted some spirits at our house last night.



3. Yay for cold weather. Last week it was in the eighties so I was really happy to wake up to a freezing cold house in December, for real, I was excited. Now it feels like Christmas time.



4. This scripture has spoken to me this week. As Christmas approaches I am staying focused on what that means and why we celebrate.

5. Thank you, Pinterest, if it weren't for you I wouldn't have been able to create, distract, and procrastinate if it weren't for you!

I must also give a high five to Johnny Manziel aka Johnny Football. Gig 'em & way to go! Thanks for making my husband super happy thus leading to a spectacular week!

Dear Santa...

                   

   It's the most wonderful time of the year, as many would say. For some reason this year I completely agree. I know I have mentioned before that I am the biggest fan of Halloween, (trust me I still am), but for whatever reason Christmas just feels different this year. Different in a good way. Many of my students have begun asking me what I want for Christmas and it's hard to not blurt out what I truly hope and pray for...a baby. So, instead I smile and say things like "Cold weather", "A snow day", "Candles", and usually I get a giggle or two out of them. This is probably the first year where Santa can not give me what I want, only God can. I believe what has helped make this season a good one is my faith in Him, I trust Him completely and know that he will give me the desires of my heart. I believe that. I've been spending my first fifteen minutes each morning focusing only on Him, whether it's pray, scripture, or a devotional my mind is on Him. My days are much better because of this. I want to encourage anyone reading this to try and do the same each morning. Cast all of your worries to the Lord, and pray about everything. Christ is the reason for the season, it's NOT about wants, and presents. As a society we definitely get caught up in the commercialization of Christmas. Please don't get me wrong and think I don't give gifts because of course I do, I am just suggesting we all remember why we are here and who gave us this wonderful life.

Fill in the Blank Friday: 11/16/2012

1. My best quality is my compassion and empathy for all things, both living and non.

2. One of my less flattering qualities is my laziness; it's becoming a problem for me.

3. I'd rather be at home in bed, cuddled up with the mister and the frups.

4. Something I've been challenged with lately is patience! God is giving me a lesson and I am s l o w l y beginning to appreciate it.

5. I am looking forward to doing my best to spoil the mister on his birthday (near future) and obviously becoming a mother (God's timing).

6. A super random factoid about me is I am from a family of seven children; yes, same parents! We are all super close and talk at least once a week. I have the best memories of my childhood and can't imagine life without them.

7. I want to celebrate each day as a gift from above.

   This weekend I will be traveling to Austin to celebrate my sister, Caroline. She was married on November 4th in Mexico and we could not attend the wedding. My Godmother is throwing her a post-wedding shower and if it's anything like mine then it will be fabulous! I wish you a wonderful weekend and a very happy Friday!

Wish List for the Home

$12.99 at Target

$29.99 at Target

Ikea rug for bedroom $19.99

Ikea rug for living room $99.99

Missoni for Target ottoman

This little bird is actually a smoke detector!

   Lately I have felt like I want to redecorate the house and de-clutter! Blake will faint when he reads this, but it's true. I am ready to make each room it's own unique treasure. I hope to get started with the de-cluttering and cleaning out of things next weekend. I will most likely spend this week going through my closet room and bedroom bagging items up. My goal is to make myself busy with other projects that I don't have the time to focus on other distractions. God is so good, all the time!

I Never got to say Goodbye

*This post contains language that might be offensive to some*

"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either, in the end, life if stronger than death. Kyle's love will remain flowing throughout my heart. He always knew exactly what to say and do to make my life easier and happier. Never have I loved a man so much and so deeply. I miss him everyday and my heart aches for him. He never stopped laughing in his crazy high pitched voice, he was always bouncing around and there was never a moment when he wasn't showing me affection. Kyle Andrew Silvas is the love of my life and the answer to all my problems, he was my Prince Charming, only not on a white horse but in a black tahoe we called the dump truck. He gave so much of himself to me, now i have memories and photos which i will cherish and one day we'll be together again to live eternally in Heaven, just like God has planned." - These are the words I spoke at Kyle's funeral five years ago.
  
    I remember the day as if it were yesterday. No one can understand the magnitude of emotions felt by losing someone to suicide. It's the worst club to be a part of. I never thought I could be happy again, laugh, live, or even love. Life for me and the ones he left goes on but Kyle gets to be 25 forever, and we all get to miss him for the rest of our days. Today I want to focus on celebrating  Kyle, even if that is a difficult task considering the roller-coaster of emotions this date brings, I know it's important to remember the great times. 

Our first date!

**As mentioned in the previous post you can click on my donate button to help me reach my goal of $1,500 for my walk in Kyle's memory**

Below are some facebook conversations that Kyle and I shared and some are from after he passed:


And yes, I still write on Kyle's facebook wall. His profile picture is no longer there which makes me sad but it's still a way to express myself. Sometimes I send him private messages while other times I am raw with emotions. This post helps me heal and get through the motions. The loss of Kyle is a broken piece of my heart that will never close, it won't heal, and it will be apart of me and my story. God gave me this unimaginable struggle to show me how strong I am. I am blessed because of that. It's important to mention that everyone grieves in different ways, none of which are right or wrong, I am not here to be judged or judge anyone.

******************************
(our song)

What Hurts The Most lyrics

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

*****************

 ·  · July 25, 2007 at 3:59pm ·

Catherine Hogan Dryden

‎********
i am getting married in two weeks! holy moly. i love you & hope you are still watching over me & now blake. i also hope my sweet angel tinkerbell is safe with you. isn't bella bell a cutie too? :)**********

 ·  · October 16, 2010 at 4:08pm

• Kyle Silvas

  Thnx for the unforgettable time last nite... Well maybe I forgot a lil bit but, ur a great girl and I'm glad I got to spend my last nite in TX wth U, I love you!!!

   ·  · June 30, 2007 at 10:07pm · 
  
• 
  

  Kyle Silvas

  I miss duchess and tinx!!! Get ready for friday hoho:)

   ·  · June 26, 2007 at 11:01pm · 
  
• 
  

  Kyle Silvas

  Ill be there this thurs to celebrate ur late bday and my venture to vegas! Miss u and tinx!!!

  
  

  
  

  • Kyle Silvas

    Merry X-MAS!!!!My family wont stop talkin bout you! they are already talking about next year... if we dont tie the not they may try to adopt you! love u babe... give tinkerton a kiss for me!
    ps... tell the hogan funny farm from my fam to you yours merrry christmas

    December 25, 2006 at 9:27am
  • 
    

    Kyle Silvas

    I miss my bubby and my tinkerton!!! i may be bck in san marcos sooner then planned... so lets reunite :) tell fodal ill be there and he better do something crazy... see ya soon babe

    December 24, 2006 at 9:14pm
  • 
    

    Catherine Hogan Dryden

    ‎**********
    i love waking up to Ali screaming bloody-murder while the Fox & the Hound is on tv. it was such a tender holiday celebration with your family. i already mailed my southern hospitality cards b/c i'm so awesome. let's hurry & reunite in san marcos...i know you just LOVE houston =)
    ******************

    
    

    

    Kyle Silvas

    Never a dull moment Hogan!

    February 7, 2006 at 6:16pm
    

    
    

    Kyle Silvas

    I love you more than a fat kid love cake! :) Hogan you're the best

    November 5, 2006 at 1:02pm
    

    Catherine Hogan Dryden

    ‎*********
    just thought about how you would 'run/hop' i love it. i also enjoy remembering all the tender things you would do just to make me happy...not a lot of sauce, put water in the ranch but don't tell me, every thing second, touch the door three times, your side, bad bitch... you are the only person in this entire existence that knows the true me, i gave that to you, i counted on you, i need you now! you are my sanity and now i don't even fucking have that. i miss us. i just want to see you one more time, i can be selfish too. love you bubby.
    ************************

     ·  · September 18, 2007 at 1:35pm · 
    

    Catherine Hogan Dryden

    ‎**********
    still not feeling better. i miss you so much. everyday all i think about is you. the air is getting colder and it reminds me of how we would just sit outside, smoke, talk, laugh, and cuddle. even though the things we did weren't a big deal then, everything is amplified and is a big deal now. i was in the shower earlier thinking about death & dying and realized i have a terminal illness...life. i would do anything to be where you are. i wish you were still here. i love you and can't believe how hard this shit is. with all my heart i love & miss you...
    ************

     ·  · October 5, 2007 at 1:53pm · 
    

    Catherine Hogan Dryden

    ‎*******
    this just fucking sux. your mom got the flowers i ordered for her. who would have ever thought i would order an ornament from heaven? i just want you to know i am angry and upset. thanks a whole lot for not being here. i might sound selfish but i do not care....
    ***************

     ·  · December 24, 2007 at 11:22pm · 
    

    •