Friday, April 5, 2013

Breakdown


Today is just not my day. I can't pinpoint exactly one thing that is not going my way because there are several. Why can't this school year just be over and done with already? Do I have plans for the summer? Yes, plans to do nothing and get myself into shape. Right now, I am struggling. Life is difficult for me and I don't think that there is anyone who can relate to me, therefore I keep most of what I am feeling bottled up inside. I don't even have the guts to write about what it is exactly that is weighing so heavy on my heart. Why, for fear that someone I actually know will read this.


One thing I will share that will come as NO surprise to anyone reading this, is that I am frustrated that I am not pregnant. I can't explain what a failure it feels like. As I am ready to move forward with other options, Blake is not. I often forget that there are two of us going through this because I put the burden on myself. I cry. I research. I go through all of the emotions, for the both of us. Unless you've been there you can't understand.  I feel the most alone that I've ever felt. I don't want to give up, "I just wish someone would tell me, like, this is how the rest of your life should look"--Marnie. But, I realize this isn't going to happen, so I pray. I pray the same thing daily, I keep the faith that one day my prayers will be answered. I truly believe that God has a purpose and a plan for me, far greater than I could imagine. I at least still have some hope.


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