Saturday, July 21, 2012

Why I have a donate button: 7/21/2012

  On September 29, 2012 I will again be walking in memory of my old boyfriend. Even five years later it's still difficult to call him my ex-boyfriend. On July 23rd, 2007 Kyle Andrew Silvas left this world for reasons unknown. I cannot express how many times I have asked myself "why?", it's a question that will NEVER be answered on this earth. Through the recent therapy I have been seeking I realized I have shamed and made myself full of guilt believing it was my fault. I can still hear Kyle's mom pleading with me on the phone, "Why, did you know about this? Why did he do this?!!". My eyes cringed as tears continued to stream down my face. Kyle suffered from bipolar disorder, a mental illness, but that doesn't define who he is. He was a brother, son, nephew, cousin, boyfriend, Sigma Nu fraternity party planner, dreamer, the guy you wanted to party with, a great cook, full of love and life. I've only talked about these moments and thoughts with therapists and very few people with whom I am close with. Kyle had called me that morning, I was taking a biology exam and thought I'd call him after my workout. Hours went by which at the time felt like minutes, and then a random number started calling my phone and kept calling. It was Kyle's friend Liz leaving me a message to call her back ASAP. I called, she simply said "Kyle's dead". I thought it was a joke, a horrible prank, I couldn't would not allow myself to believe the words she had just spoken. *(As I relive this memory I sit here crying, full of emotions and the dreaded guilt) I immediately hung up on her, she called back and told me what had happened. I had to call Kyle's brother Jason. Jason found Kyle, Jason would tell me the truth, he would say "No, Kyle's just messing with you", that's not what he said. I was very blessed to have someone there with me at the time of the event. This person has remained very close and private with me for over six years. At this time I can't (physically or emotionally) go into detail of the minutes, seconds, months, and years that have followed Kyle's death. 

   So, to answer the emails I have gotten in response to my donate button, I am trying to raise as much money as possible for my Out of the Darkness walk. You can find more information about the foundation here and you can look up dates for walks that might be in your area.

Kyle Andrew Silvas
March 10, 1981- July 23, 2007

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