*This post contains language that might be offensive to some*
"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either, in the end, life if stronger than death. Kyle's love will remain flowing throughout my heart. He always knew exactly what to say and do to make my life easier and happier. Never have I loved a man so much and so deeply. I miss him everyday and my heart aches for him. He never stopped laughing in his crazy high pitched voice, he was always bouncing around and there was never a moment when he wasn't showing me affection. Kyle Andrew Silvas is the love of my life and the answer to all my problems, he was my Prince Charming, only not on a white horse but in a black tahoe we called the dump truck. He gave so much of himself to me, now i have memories and photos which i will cherish and one day we'll be together again to live eternally in Heaven, just like God has planned." - These are the words I spoke at Kyle's funeral five years ago. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. No one can understand the magnitude of emotions felt by losing someone to suicide. It's the worst club to be a part of. I never thought I could be happy again, laugh, live, or even love. Life for me and the ones he left goes on but Kyle gets to be 25 forever, and we all get to miss him for the rest of our days. Today I want to focus on celebrating Kyle, even if that is a difficult task considering the roller-coaster of emotions this date brings, I know it's important to remember the great times.
Our first date!
**As mentioned in the previous post you can click on my donate button to help me reach my goal of $1,500 for my walk in Kyle's memory**
Below are some facebook conversations that Kyle and I shared and some are from after he passed:
And yes, I still write on Kyle's facebook wall. His profile picture is no longer there which makes me sad but it's still a way to express myself. Sometimes I send him private messages while other times I am raw with emotions. This post helps me heal and get through the motions. The loss of Kyle is a broken piece of my heart that will never close, it won't heal, and it will be apart of me and my story. God gave me this unimaginable struggle to show me how strong I am. I am blessed because of that. It's important to mention that everyone grieves in different ways, none of which are right or wrong, I am not here to be judged or judge anyone.
What Hurts The Most lyrics
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don’t bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go But I’m doin’ It It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken
******** i am getting married in two weeks! holy moly. i love you & hope you are still watching over me & now blake. i also hope my sweet angel tinkerbell is safe with you. isn't bella bell a cutie too? :)**********
Merry X-MAS!!!!My family wont stop talkin bout you! they are already talking about next year... if we dont tie the not they may try to adopt you! love u babe... give tinkerton a kiss for me! ps... tell the hogan funny farm from my fam to you yours merrry christmas
********** i love waking up to Ali screaming bloody-murder while the Fox & the Hound is on tv. it was such a tender holiday celebration with your family. i already mailed my southern hospitality cards b/c i'm so awesome. let's hurry & reunite in san marcos...i know you just LOVE houston =) ******************
On September 29, 2012 I will again be walking in memory of my old boyfriend. Even five years later it's still difficult to call him my ex-boyfriend. On July 23rd, 2007 Kyle Andrew Silvas left this world for reasons unknown. I cannot express how many times I have asked myself "why?", it's a question that will NEVER be answered on this earth. Through the recent therapy I have been seeking I realized I have shamed and made myself full of guilt believing it was my fault. I can still hear Kyle's mom pleading with me on the phone, "Why, did you know about this? Why did he do this?!!". My eyes cringed as tears continued to stream down my face. Kyle suffered from bipolar disorder, a mental illness, but that doesn't define who he is. He was a brother, son, nephew, cousin, boyfriend, Sigma Nu fraternity party planner, dreamer, the guy you wanted to party with, a great cook, full of love and life. I've only talked about these moments and thoughts with therapists and very few people with whom I am close with. Kyle had called me that morning, I was taking a biology exam and thought I'd call him after my workout. Hours went by which at the time felt like minutes, and then a random number started calling my phone and kept calling. It was Kyle's friend Liz leaving me a message to call her back ASAP. I called, she simply said "Kyle's dead". I thought it was a joke, a horrible prank, I couldn't would not allow myself to believe the words she had just spoken. *(As I relive this memory I sit here crying, full of emotions and the dreaded guilt) I immediately hung up on her, she called back and told me what had happened. I had to call Kyle's brother Jason. Jason found Kyle, Jason would tell me the truth, he would say "No, Kyle's just messing with you", that's not what he said. I was very blessed to have someone there with me at the time of the event. This person has remained very close and private with me for over six years. At this time I can't (physically or emotionally) go into detail of the minutes, seconds, months, and years that have followed Kyle's death.
So, to answer the emails I have gotten in response to my donate button, I am trying to raise as much money as possible for my Out of the Darkness walk. You can find more information about the foundation here and you can look up dates for walks that might be in your area.
1. What I'm reading: The trilogy by E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey, I am currently on the second book, Fifty Shades Darker. If you are not or have not read these books you should. I'm not one for erotic anything really but these books are well, my thoughts are rated R. Read them! I've read what critics have said but I disagree with their views on men being authoritative and women having to subdue to their every whim. Before reading this I had never believed or thought that, and I still don't. This trilogy might not be for everyone but I'm having one hell of a time reading it!
2. What I'm eating: Recently I have been eating lots of mashed potatoes. Not healthy, boring, but it's my summer vacation. To be quite honest I'm not really eating much, I'm drinking cokes and lemonade more than anything. Delicious!
3. What I'm listening to: Nelly Furtado: Try
4. Recipes I'm bookmarking: Grilled Italian Panini with Zucchini, Summer Squash & Basil
5. GIF'S I'm loving:
Happy Friday, ya'll! This is how I feel after reading the first Fifty Shades of Grey