Why I have a donate button: 7/21/2012

  On September 29, 2012 I will again be walking in memory of my old boyfriend. Even five years later it's still difficult to call him my ex-boyfriend. On July 23rd, 2007 Kyle Andrew Silvas left this world for reasons unknown. I cannot express how many times I have asked myself "why?", it's a question that will NEVER be answered on this earth. Through the recent therapy I have been seeking I realized I have shamed and made myself full of guilt believing it was my fault. I can still hear Kyle's mom pleading with me on the phone, "Why, did you know about this? Why did he do this?!!". My eyes cringed as tears continued to stream down my face. Kyle suffered from bipolar disorder, a mental illness, but that doesn't define who he is. He was a brother, son, nephew, cousin, boyfriend, Sigma Nu fraternity party planner, dreamer, the guy you wanted to party with, a great cook, full of love and life. I've only talked about these moments and thoughts with therapists and very few people with whom I am close with. Kyle had called me that morning, I was taking a biology exam and thought I'd call him after my workout. Hours went by which at the time felt like minutes, and then a random number started calling my phone and kept calling. It was Kyle's friend Liz leaving me a message to call her back ASAP. I called, she simply said "Kyle's dead". I thought it was a joke, a horrible prank, I couldn't would not allow myself to believe the words she had just spoken. *(As I relive this memory I sit here crying, full of emotions and the dreaded guilt) I immediately hung up on her, she called back and told me what had happened. I had to call Kyle's brother Jason. Jason found Kyle, Jason would tell me the truth, he would say "No, Kyle's just messing with you", that's not what he said. I was very blessed to have someone there with me at the time of the event. This person has remained very close and private with me for over six years. At this time I can't (physically or emotionally) go into detail of the minutes, seconds, months, and years that have followed Kyle's death. 

   So, to answer the emails I have gotten in response to my donate button, I am trying to raise as much money as possible for my Out of the Darkness walk. You can find more information about the foundation here and you can look up dates for walks that might be in your area.

Kyle Andrew Silvas

March 10, 1981- July 23, 2007

The Friday Five: 7/20/2012

Discovered the idea from this adorable lady!

1. What I'm reading: The trilogy by E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey, I am currently on the second book, Fifty Shades Darker. If you are not or have not read these books you should. I'm not one for erotic anything really but these books are well, my thoughts are rated R. Read them! I've read what critics have said but I disagree with their views on men being authoritative and women having to subdue to their every whim. Before reading this I had never believed or thought that, and I still don't. This trilogy might not be for everyone but I'm having one hell of a time reading it!

2. What I'm eating: Recently I have been eating lots of mashed potatoes. Not healthy, boring, but it's my summer vacation. To be quite honest I'm not really eating much, I'm drinking cokes and lemonade more than anything. Delicious!

3. What I'm listening to: Nelly Furtado: Try

4. Recipes I'm bookmarking: Grilled Italian Panini with Zucchini, Summer Squash & Basil

Yumm-o!

5. GIF'S I'm loving:

Happy Friday, ya'll! This is how I feel after reading the first Fifty Shades of Grey

It's Ok, Thursday: 7/19/2012

link up here

It's ok....

that this is the funniest website I have been to in a long time my life through kristen wiig

that stores are already putting out Halloween items (buh-bye summer)

that my ONE project for the summer was to finish my dressing room and it's almost complete

to totally look forward to Sunday night, True Blood (helllllo)

to stay in your p.j.'s all day, you deserve some alone time

to wear a one piece

to pin one zillion things in a day

that I still haven't been to a pool or beach this summer

that I am the most excited about the fact that I completed several loads of laundry

and to spice things up here's goes it's NOT ok...

to tell a couple trying to get pregnant ANY of the following things:

• You should just relax
• Don't worry, it will happen
• You're both still so young
• My spouse just has to look at me and we're pregnant
• Maybe it's a sign
• Are you pregnant yet?

Tomorrow is Friday, wa-hoo to all of you working people out there! Friday is my second favorite F word!

Oh, How Pinteresting! 7/18/2012

link-up here

I'm a Pinterest addict. I love the idea of having a special place on the Internet where people share their creativity, skills, and ideas for anyone to admire. Since I have taken a blogging hiatus here are several of my most favorite random pins.

He is MY vote for the movie adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey...

Scott Disick is the ONLY reason I watch this show.

One for me & the other for my sister

Again, I love Scott. Kim is a wet blanket. I can't stand her on T.V.

I recently started going to what we can call therapy sessions, it's more like a workshop. Well, a goal I set for myself to complete this week is a painting for my dressing room. It's not a big project but it's motivation to not sit around all day and worry think about things that are not in my control. I'm really enjoying allowing God to control my life and using this blog to tell my story. Next Monday, July 23rd, is a big anniversary for me, more on that later. I want to encourage anyone reading this to set a small goal and achieve it. I can't wait to post photos of my finished project. I love the feeling of completing something, satisfaction.

The List: 7/17/2012

Today I wanted to inspire myself to complete something from The List. If you have a goal or goals, having them written down helps you achieve them. Hopefully this can turn into something I post regularly.

His Timing: 7/16/2012

   I don't know where to begin with this post. I have been going through a trial, one that God is testing me with. I feel like I am growing stronger in my faith and realizing what I want more and more. Without going into too much detail I am surprised by Him and the direction he has taken my life. I am sure many of you can say that you didn't imagine yourself as you are you at whatever age or place you are in your life. For me this has been the struggle. I never thought I would be my age and almost angry at God. How selfish of me!? It's not up to me, I'm on His time, He has a plan for my life and I must trust His path for me. Each morning I repeat this scripture to myself as I thank God for another day and plea with him for what my heart desires.

Jeremiah 29:11

   I can't believe it's taken my ALL summer to write a post. It's a testament to how unfocused I have been and slacking off on things that make me happy. I hope to continue to write out my feelings and thoughts through my  blog as  well as my journal. For me it's therapeutic and cleansing. A lot of time has spent reading 50 Shades of Grey, The Girl Who Played with Fire, and The Bible. I recommend all three to you! I've also spent time being a new mommy to our latest addition: Birdie Bell, she is a teacup morkie (Maltese mommy + Yorkie daddy = morkie)

    My new goal is to count my blessings and be grateful for the wonderful things I do have in my life and not to waste my energy on the things I don't have. I trust in Him and know that my ultimate dream of being called Mom will happen. If you are struggling with something I hope God wraps his love around you and comforts you. Remember that hardships are trials from God to make us stronger.

It's Ok: 6/6/2012

link up here

It's Ok...

that I have spent my first days of summer vacation relaxing

to request gifts/money for your birthday (June 19th ;)

to spend the day in your pajamas

to feel a slight bit of jealousy when your friends announce their pregnancies on facebook

to ask for forgiveness when you feel jealous (see above)

to love when your husband is lazy with you (in bed)

to only worry think about today

to be very excited for what God has planned for you

to have setbacks and remain strong in your faith knowing your struggle is making you stronger

to pin a zillion things that you swear you will create, yet haven't

to talk to your dogs as if they are your best friends

to let go of material things you don't use or need

I hope you are all having a wonderful week! We are going to Dallas this weekend and I can't wait to get away. Blake's Mom is hosting a party for her sister and they just moved into a beautiful new home with a pool, so I am super excited! In other news... We are getting a puppy! She is a morkie, maltese mom, yorkie dad, and it's the same mom as our Maltese Bella Bell. Our new little girl is to be named Birdie Bell. It's my early birthday present. I am so excited to meet her and have another frup addition to our family!

This is from a book by Linda Dillow.