Thursday, March 28, 2013

Worth the Wait/Weight

   I need to be honest. I've been thinking about writing about the great wait weight for awhile and today is the day to let it all out. I've gained fifty pounds, yes that is correct fifty pounds. While looking at this picture of Jessica Simpson, I read the caption below it out loud, "She let herself go." That statement really triggered something inside of me. Weight gain isn't all about letting yourself go. I certainly do not think I let myself go, I never stopped caring about my appearance. It didn't happen overnight, it was a steady climb that I barely noticed. About a year into our marriage a first grade teacher I work with asked "what's happening?" while pointing to my stomach. RUDE! I politely told her, "nothing.". Oh, but she was persistent, week after week she would say "is something going on?", or "you're pregnant?", looking back now I should have taken that as a sign to up the cardio, instead I thought she was rude, and as a woman I couldn't believe she kept pestering me about it. Then it was Christmas of 2011 and Blake and I would be traveling to Dallas for the holiday only I had nothing to wear, nothing fit me. That's basically when I began shunning away from pictures, I don't think I was ashamed of the weight as much as I am now. I still did nothing about it, for years! God has been testing us with this great wait for a child, and in the meantime I have turned our wait into weight. I can't pinpoint a moment where all this weight accumulated, but I also can't ignore it. Finally, after my nieces baptisms I was looking at pictures; someone caught me in a photo, and let me tell you that was not what I saw in the mirror, not even close. I knew I had gained too much weight, but I really didn't realize what I looked like until that photo was staring at me.
  I've always been the girl who loves having her picture taken. It's so weird to look through my camera and see shots of only my face, or just my legs, and never a full body shot, not in two years! I don't want to ignore it anymore, I want to be photographed. I want to be healthy and thin again.
  In December Blake got us new gym memberships, and I knew I was out of shape, I know this journey isn't going to be the easiest one, but at least I am not ignoring it anymore. I've never had this problem, and it's so shameful. Anytime I see someone who knows skinny me, I freak out, I want to explain the weight gain, I want to hide, I want to cry, I want to disappear. I hate thinking that people are judging me when they see me but it's part of what goes on in my mind every.single.day. I can't lose weight like I used to, I'm older, my body has been neglected and it doesn't work like it used to. I'm not the same person, I'm fat Catherine. My goal is to lose all of it by August 2013. I'm only down thirteen pounds as of today. Putting this out there, into the world, is a step forward in the right direction, and it feels really good to be honest.

10 comments:

  1. Wow! You just wrote exactly what I was about to write. I too have gained 50 lbs. :( Granted I have had 3 children, but I am so mad at myself. Lately I have been moping around and pouting...not wanting to go anywhere for fear someone would see me and judge. And Easter is coming up and I was so upset about the dress size I had to buy.
    I am starting Nutrisystem (again) and my husband and I are going to a gym. You are so right...it doesnt just happen over night. I am so proud of you! 13 lbs is a lot Catherine...and it will just keep coming off :) I know you can do it! I know WE can do it!

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  2. your not in this battle alone it has really been a struggle for me too. Try to get all the motivation you can. When I buy new workout gear it motivates me to work out a lose the weight. Find a class in your gym that you like so working out is fun. Take before and after pics so you can see your progress. I wish all of us the best of luck with this struggle so we can enjoy our lives healthy and happy please keep us all posted on your progress. We can motivate each other! get it girl!!!

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  3. I'm a new follower but you took my thought process and said exactly what I was thinking. Good Luck on your journey! :)

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  4. 13 lbs is AWESOME so far!!! That is a large amount you've already lost!! You can do it!! Keep up all the hard work!! :)

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  5. Hey babe, i am very proud of you! Keep up the hard work! Love you and see you in a few hours!

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  6. You are definitely not the only woman in this world who has felt this way. I gained 20 lbs once we started TTC and people have actually asked bluntly "what's going on?" and one guy at the gym even said to me, "Your legs are getting bigger." Um, yeah I know. Thanks buddy!

    Try not to be too hard on yourself. If it's making you unhappy, you can do something about it and it sounds like you already are. 13 pounds lost is nothing to sneeze at! That is awesome! Slow and steady wins the race girl. Just keep waking up and making it your goal to make it through that day and that day only staying on track. Pretty soon each of those successful days will turn into successful weeks, and then successful months. Before you know it, you'll be back in your old body and will be stronger for making the right choices day in and day out. You will get there! Find ways to reward yourself along the way. You already deserve a reward for that 13 lbs. lost if you ask me! :)

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  7. You're so brave, and I agree with Emily, you deserve a hearty congratulations on your first 13 down. It isn't anything to sneeze at. You said yourself that it took a while to gain, it will take a bit to lose. I wish you the very best. Keep your chin up, you can do it!

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  8. I am so proud of you! Living healthy is more than "being skinny" is is about feeling good (energetic, confident, and strong) and taking care of the beautiful body you have been given. You only get one body and it is so important to really treat it well. Keep up the great work!!!

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  9. Don't worry about people who know "skinny Catherine". People know Catherine, and that can come in any shape, size, or form. The people who matter are the ones who accept and encourage you regardless of aesthetics, and the most important person who should accept and encourage you is YOURSELF (and your husband, of course!). Keep your head up! You can do it!

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  10. Don't worry about people who know "skinny Catherine". People know Catherine, and that can come in any shape, size, or form. The people who matter are the ones who accept and encourage you regardless of aesthetics, and the most important person who should accept and encourage you is YOURSELF (and your husband, of course!). Keep your head up! You can do it!

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